The who I am part is likely less important. I would say I am pretty average with a little bit of anarchy mixed in. Contrarian I think my mother recently called me. I will own that. I think this stems from always being a pretty heavy observer of the world around me. Quiet, withdrawn at times, I watch and listen…observe. I reflect back on my childhood and recognize that I was often watching from the fringes. I wasn’t “out” of the group, but more of a floater between groups. Falling in and out as I and others fancied. This afforded me the opportunity to look deeper than the friendships and topics of the day to consider the hierarchy, the games and the reality of how humans behave. I am not a psychologist or any other official student of human behavior. That being said I am calling it like I see it…you are welcome to take it or leave it. Admittedly I am still learning, evolving and frequently change my mind. So, if this roller coaster sounds fun or familiar…come along!
Anyway, back to the contrarian piece. I think if you spend any significant time really paying attention to people and all the social structures in our western culture you just get kind of tired and annoyed. Tired of all the fake and fronts put on to please others. Now I don’t pretend to be above this same behavior…we all do it because we need to survive. I would say I probably did this as a kid mostly just to blend in. I quickly discerned I wasn’t much interested in doing what everyone else was doing…popular culture was never really my bag. I didn’t watch the right movies, wear the designer clothes or quote the right celebrities. I am a terrible Trivial Pursuit player…like worse than you can imagine! My way of owning my power as a kid was to do the opposite…quietly. Even as an adult the quickest way to get me to not watch a TV show is for it to be very popular. I don’t do this to be difficult, I just tend to lose interest if others have it. I want something more…something different.
Please don’t get the impression I am some meek person hiding in a corner. I have evolved as an adult to a much more confident and opinionated human. I know what I am passionate about and good at. I am willing to speak up when needed. I like to believe hanging on to that contrarian piece allows me to listen more deeply, see out further and innovate with solutions others cannot yet see.
I am a wife of 20 years and a mother of three. I am thriving, struggling, overwhelmed and at times victorious like everyone else. This life shit is hard. (I have a potty mouth…in case I forgot to mention that. I flip the F bomb like candy canes on Christmas. I once heard that intelligent people curse more…so I am sticking with that.)
Bottom line, I have always enjoyed writing though I don’t find much time to do it. I find it cathartic for my soul. I sometimes feel I can express myself better this way. The older I get I am also pondering my own mortality a bit more frequently. I think being responsible for other “powerfull humans” drives this. I often think that I have so much to tell them. So much I want them to know before I go. I of course, hope that isn’t for a very long time, but I am a realist. I know life is fleeting. We cannot plan or always depend on a tomorrow. Life is messy, beautiful, hard and meaningful. We are only here for a minute…so I figure write it down so it can help me, my kids and maybe anyone else who stumbles on this strange world I have created for myself. Boy this feels vulnerable and hard…I am ready. I am not keeping the lid on me any longer. Let’s go!